I just threw up on my dentist
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I want a musical about memes.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
