**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Randomize
