direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
