His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize