Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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