i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
