As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
