it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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