I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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