I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
