Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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