I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
