someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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