Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
