Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
