I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
