i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
