Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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