Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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