I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
