Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
