my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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