It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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