I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
