i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
