I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize