I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
