Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
