Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
