Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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