i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
