i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
They took my balls.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
