i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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