Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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