hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize