Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
