An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
