I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
