i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
don't judge my taste in strippers
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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