Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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