How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
