I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
