At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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