I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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