we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Randomize
