So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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