Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
