I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize