did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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