My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
