I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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