So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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