Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
