i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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