I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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