At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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