I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
