We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
