I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
