Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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