Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
