Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
