Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
