I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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